Just fell off a train. Bad.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
