I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
