I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
