So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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