the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
