when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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