I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
