Soap is not a condiment
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
