watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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