my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
