He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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