Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
