swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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