Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
