I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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