you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
