My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
