Don't you send me to vm
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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