Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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