my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
