Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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