Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The best revenge is premature balding
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
