When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
