why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
