I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We have started to decorate penises.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
