in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
