You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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