I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
