My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
