dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
