We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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