i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
