My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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