They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
