how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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