He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
