He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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