I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
