the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
