someone owes me an orgasm
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
