everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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