i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
