I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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