no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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