I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
