my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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