I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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