Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just pee around me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
