i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
