Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
